Teach a Man to Make Goldfish Crackers…TROUBLE!

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I had a WTF (what the f&*$)** moment the other day. For those of you who are wondering, a WTF moment is when you are looking at something, you read it, think about it, sit back in your chair, very deliberately take your hands off of the keyboard, blink a couple of times and say to yourself, “what the f&*$?”. It was spurred by Deb at http://www.smittenkitchen.com. Here is the post that brought it on. Please take a moment to read it. Go ahead. You need to see this.

Are you back? Didn’t go to the link? Let me fill you in –

THE WOMAN BLOODY MADE GOLDFISH CRACKERS!!!

Goldfish crackers – the simplest and deadliest of treats. Is she trying to kill me? I think she might be (cue film noir detective footage now). I don’t know if you have ever put goldfish crackers out at a party/reception/film set/school classroom or anywhere really where they are within 10 miles of a human being with a pulse, but they are addictive. How can you not take another bite and another. I know off the top of my head, for a fact, that a serving of the store bought variety is 55 fishy crackers. And how many calories can 55 fishy crackers be? 100? 120? The problem is – they’re so good. If only I could just stick to 55. How is that even possible? Its not. Don’t try it. Really.

I knew I was in trouble. Big, big trouble. And I was not being dramatic in this thinking. With an ingredient list totaling exactly 5 common, always-have-around-the-house items, I couldn’t even wait 24 hours before trying it. Had I not had other things to do this particular day (although what could possibly trump goldfish crackers escapes me now) I would have made them on the spot. And when I did actually get enough work done that I didn’t feel guilty taking time off to pop these babies into the oven, I was literally eating my fresh, crispy, delectable, crack-quality homemade goldfish crackers in 20 minutes from the moment I left my computer chair. This is dangerous. Do you understand? BAD!!

How bad? Here’s the conversation I had with my friend Jess over G-chat while assembling:

Me: i can tell you already by the dough that we are in BIG trouble

Jess: is it like 90% cheese, 5% flour, 5% butteR?

Me: well yes, but also cause its f$&#ing delicious

Jess:  oh wait you made the dough already???

Me:  dude, there are like three ingredients and all you do is f$&#ing blend them together!!!!!!

Jess:  niiiiiiiiiice, money

Or how about the text I sent Megan, my roommate:
Me: Please don’t come home. I don’t want you to see me in this state. I am in the bathtub rocking back and forth after making fishy crackers and have lost my mind at how good they are!!!

Megan: Ahahahahaha

Me: No, this is serious, I may never come out. SOOOOOOO good.



Honestly, with how easy these are to make you have no excuse to buy them anymore. And you don’t have to buy the special little fishy cookie cutter to go along – you can use any old cookie cutter you have provided its smallish. I used squares and hearts from an Ikea cookie cutter set that I have no idea why I bought in the first place but they were great for this! And as awesome they are for just a snack or thrown into a bowl of tomato soup, I can see these making the great base for a cute little appetizer/tapas plate. Top one of these crackers with a little slice of green apple, some crumbled bacon or crispy prosciutto, and a sliver of red onion OR pipe some salmon cream cheese on top and sprinkle with dill and chopped onions. Possibilities are endless I think. Let me know if you make them and try out anything interesting. Enjoy!
**For those of you who haven’t noticed, I have chosen to write about the two topics that provoke me to swear like a sailor – cooking and running. It’s hardly unnatural for a couple of foul words to slip in heated kitchens where so much is at stake (who wants a fallen soufflé?) and if I am going to run in sub-freezing temperatures in the dead of an NYC winter you better bet my inner monologue is crowded with profanity. I was raised by a gun-toting cowboy and a hot-headed Mexican-American mother – what do you want from me?
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Whole Wheat Goldfish Crackers

Adapted from SmittenKitchen.com, Yield: About 100 1 1/4 inch goldfish “crackers”

6 ounces (1 1/2 cups coarsely grated) sharp cheddar, orange if you can find one you like
4 tablespoons butter
3/4 cup whole wheat flour
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
1/8 to 1/4 teaspoon table salt

Preheat oven to 350°F. Combine all ingredients in a food processor, running the machine until the dough forms a ball, about two minutes.

If the dough feels warm or worrisome-ly soft, wrap it in waxed paper or plastic wrap and chill it in the fridge for 30 to 45 minutes. This also makes it easier to transfer shapes once they are rolled out.

On a lightly floured surface, using a lightly floured rolling pin, roll the dough out 1/8-inch thick. Form shapes with a cookie cutter, dipping it in flour from time to time to ensure a clean cut. Gently transfer crackers to an ungreased cookie sheet with a 1/2 inch between them. Bake the crackers on the middle rack for 12 to 15 minutes, or until they are barely browned at the edges. Remove from the oven and set the cookie sheet on a rack to cool.

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5 thoughts on “Teach a Man to Make Goldfish Crackers…TROUBLE!

  1. Couldn’t you just roll the dough and cut into squares? Sounds easier than using cookie cutters.
    Oh and thanks for the extra 10-15 lbs I’m going to gain eating these. Sigh.

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