I had a WTF (what the f&*$)** moment the other day. For those of you who are wondering, a WTF moment is when you are looking at something, you read it, think about it, sit back in your chair, very deliberately take your hands off of the keyboard, blink a couple of times and say to yourself, “what the f&*$?”. It was spurred by Deb at http://www.smittenkitchen.com. Here is the post that brought it on. Please take a moment to read it. Go ahead. You need to see this.
Are you back? Didn’t go to the link? Let me fill you in –
THE WOMAN BLOODY MADE GOLDFISH CRACKERS!!!
Goldfish crackers – the simplest and deadliest of treats. Is she trying to kill me? I think she might be (cue film noir detective footage now). I don’t know if you have ever put goldfish crackers out at a party/reception/film set/school classroom or anywhere really where they are within 10 miles of a human being with a pulse, but they are addictive. How can you not take another bite and another. I know off the top of my head, for a fact, that a serving of the store bought variety is 55 fishy crackers. And how many calories can 55 fishy crackers be? 100? 120? The problem is – they’re so good. If only I could just stick to 55. How is that even possible? Its not. Don’t try it. Really.
I knew I was in trouble. Big, big trouble. And I was not being dramatic in this thinking. With an ingredient list totaling exactly 5 common, always-have-around-the-house items, I couldn’t even wait 24 hours before trying it. Had I not had other things to do this particular day (although what could possibly trump goldfish crackers escapes me now) I would have made them on the spot. And when I did actually get enough work done that I didn’t feel guilty taking time off to pop these babies into the oven, I was literally eating my fresh, crispy, delectable, crack-quality homemade goldfish crackers in 20 minutes from the moment I left my computer chair. This is dangerous. Do you understand? BAD!!
How bad? Here’s the conversation I had with my friend Jess over G-chat while assembling:
Me: i can tell you already by the dough that we are in BIG trouble
Jess: is it like 90% cheese, 5% flour, 5% butteR?
Me: well yes, but also cause its f$&#ing delicious
Jess: oh wait you made the dough already???
Me: dude, there are like three ingredients and all you do is f$&#ing blend them together!!!!!!
Jess: niiiiiiiiiice, money
Adapted from SmittenKitchen.com, Yield: About 100 1 1/4 inch goldfish “crackers”
6 ounces (1 1/2 cups coarsely grated) sharp cheddar, orange if you can find one you like
4 tablespoons butter
3/4 cup whole wheat flour
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
1/8 to 1/4 teaspoon table salt
Preheat oven to 350°F. Combine all ingredients in a food processor, running the machine until the dough forms a ball, about two minutes.
If the dough feels warm or worrisome-ly soft, wrap it in waxed paper or plastic wrap and chill it in the fridge for 30 to 45 minutes. This also makes it easier to transfer shapes once they are rolled out.
On a lightly floured surface, using a lightly floured rolling pin, roll the dough out 1/8-inch thick. Form shapes with a cookie cutter, dipping it in flour from time to time to ensure a clean cut. Gently transfer crackers to an ungreased cookie sheet with a 1/2 inch between them. Bake the crackers on the middle rack for 12 to 15 minutes, or until they are barely browned at the edges. Remove from the oven and set the cookie sheet on a rack to cool.