Katie’s Food Diary
As experienced by MontyKates
Monday, 5/2/11 – Prep
Breakfast:1 Lemon water
1 Coffee with skim milk
1 green tea
I find myself sitting behind an editor with two boxes of Girl Scout cookies on his desk. Samoas. And Thin Mints. The two best Girl Scout cookies known to man. Normally I would walk right up and demand he give me some, but as I am now a person practicing self-control, I decide to wait until he offers them to me.
1 Seared Yellowfin Tuna salad with mixed greens and miso ginger vinagrette
1 cream of broccoli soup
By 1:30 (post lunch), my stomach is doing cartwheels. This must be a coincidence. I can’t already be reacting to the effects of today’s diet. It’s more likely that my body is naturally trying to expel the poison I subjected it to over the weekend. …Right?
1:53 Does my double chin feel smaller?
2:30 Green tea
2:44 Stomach is making crazy noises and feels like it’s turning inside out. Starting to think my body and healthy stuff don’t play well together.
3:00 Hitting a wall
3:30 Find myself clenching my teeth, desperate to chew something.
3:34 Developing a theory that what people mean when they say that juice cleanses give you energy is that you can’t sit still because you are trying to distract yourself from the intense hunger.
3:38 Peanut butter granola bar
3:45 I tell the editor I’ve been eyeing his girl scout cookies all morning and that I’m distraught because I never got my hands on my own box this season even though I entered my EMAIL ADDRESS into their website to be CONTACTED when they start SELLING.
He puts the boxes behind the monitor, where I can’t see them.
3:48 I find myself on the Girl Scouts website, signing up again.
4:14 This reminds me of whenever I try to quit cigarettes. When I get a craving, I just wait 10 minutes and eventually it passes or I forget about it.
4:15 Until I find myself staring longingly at the empty space where the Girl Scout cookies used to be.
4:48 Turned down the bagel bites that were being passed around. The girl offers to bring me edamame and for some stupid reason I say no. Can I hold out for another hour and ten minutes?
Assorted sashimi, miso soup, seaweed salad
½ glass of wine
1oz bourbon10:00 peanuts
Tuesday, 5/3/11 – Prep
1 Warm lemon water
1 Ginger Green tea
½ cup Coconut Water
9:00 I catch a glimpse of a fatigued looking woman in the subway window and then realize it’s me. Do I always look like that?
1 Large apple, celery, ginger juice
1 Greek Salad with feta cheese, plum tomatoes, red peppers, cucumbers, black kalamata olives, red onions, and oregano with balsamic herb dressing over romaine hearts.
1 Seedless watermelon cup
1 Large virgin mary – juice lemon, celery, tomato, Tabasco, and spices
12:30 Lunch is delivered but I’m on a conference call. So I drink the juice. I have to piss like crazy.
1:07 Meeting is running late. Bread was delivered with lunch and it’s staring at me. It looks so pillowy and garlicy. I contemplate setting the phone down and running to the bathroom and wonder if anyone notices.
1:20 Finally I can pee. And eat. I get some tea to curb the mild headache I have either caused by a lack of caffeine, hunger, holding in my pee too long or from tedious conference calls.
1:25 That generic Lipton tea.
2:00 Tummy is unhappy.
2:39 I feel full, but feel like I want to eat. Is because I’m bored? Tired?
3:00 Boyfriend tells me he got ice cream on his lunch break and I lose my shit. Just a little bit.
3:15 Green tea, watermelon4:00 Worried that I’m not hungry. Am I eating too much? Is this going to make tomorrow blow even worse?
4:30 Edamame, as promised. AWESOME.
5:00 I find myself scraping the salt from the bowl and into my mouth.
8:00 We sign a lease on a new apt so I am in the mood to celebrate. We go to a nearby French restaurant, which is of course a bad idea. They give us bread. Fluffy, cloudlike pillows of carby goodness. And butter. And olive spread. I inevitably tear off a piece and stuff it in my mouth like a ravenous bear who has just discovered a nearby trout stream.
My lovely dining partner and boyfriend decides to order escargot which is a particular favorite of mine, especially the garlic butter oil left at the bottom which is perfect for dipping fluffy, cloudlike pillows of bread in.
I order a salad with parmesan, beets and balsamic and a sweet potato soup.
And a half bottle of red wine.
I pass out at 11:00, which is early for me, even after drinking a ton of wine. I assume it’s from lack of caffeine.
Wednesday, 5/4/11 – Day 1
7:30 I wake up from a dream that I’ve eaten a cheeseburger for breakfast and ruined the cleanse.
1 lemon water
1 Green tea
I get an email from the juice cleanse company that suggests I start with a daily affirmation. I ignore it and stuff some cashews in my bag in case I get hungry.
10:30 Chlorophyll shot. I tell myself it’s whiskey as I toss it back and chase it with water.
10:40 I’m starving so I tear into the orange juice. It’s delicious.
11:30 I’m not hungry, but I am FREEZING.
12:15 Celery, Spinach, Cucumber. Disgusting. No. Uh uh.
12:30 Plowing through it. It’s not filling me up as much as I’d hoped so I make a green tea.
1:45 on to #4: alkaline water, lemon, agave syrup, cayenne
It’s tart as a mother fucker. I think my mouth just turned inside out.
Assessment: More than anything, I’m tired. Too tired to write this.
Moving on to cucumber, parsley, spinach, celery, swiss chard, lemon, carrot, beet and ginger…
It’s not so bad but I want to chug it.
4:10 I didn’t know how good I had it on prep day #1.
4:30 Feeling light-headed. I wonder if there is going to be edamame today.
4:45 She comes in without edamame. I ask her if she can please make me some. Like a true angel from heaven she says, “Yes, of course!”
5:15 She still hasn’t brought the edamame and I’m a little worried it will never come. At least the light-headedness has finally passed. I would of course be pleased if I could go the whole day without cheating.
5:16 But then I remember there are cashews in my bag.
5:53 I don’t eat them in the end. And she never brought the edamame . But I’m feeling more energetic nonetheless.
7:00 Drink the cucumber juice.
8:30 Drink the green lemonade
9:00 I just need those cashews. I stuff a bunch in my mouth and feel so much better.
I also have a bite of my boyfriend’s pizza. In that moment, it’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted.
Thursday, 5/5/11 – Day 2
7:30 Wake up feeling a little hungover. I don’t think I drank nearly enough water yesterday. Skin doesn’t look so great today. Covered in little whiteheads. Could also be from some face wash or moisturizer. Never know with my skin.
9:45 I check out the contents of today’s package. Only two of the drinks are different and flavors I’m not stoked about: grapefruit instead of OJ and carrot instead of green lemonade.
9:50 Down the chlorophyll shot. In better light today, I see it leaves my lips and teeth an attractive green that doesn’t come out as easily with water as the website suggests.
10:16 Grapefruit juice. It’s not so bad. Anything fresh squeezed is automatically better.
11:36 Diving into the disgusting spinach drink. BLECH.
12:00 Hungry and cold. Green tea to the rescue.
1:13 MASTER TONIC.
Still the same tart bitch I met yesterday.
3:15 Beet juice. Mmmmm beet juice.
7:00 Cucumber juice. I drink this one out of order because Natalie claims the carrot juice is like dessert.
8:00 Boyfriend comes home and wants to go out to eat. I decide to go with him to keep him company… and take a bite of his food. I’m surprised at how not hungry I am today.
9:00 I order a virgin bloody mary. That counts as juice right? It is SO good. I also have a few bites of his salad… and his steak sandwich. Food has never tasted so good.
9:30 Back home, I bust open the carrot juice and it is indeed pretty tasty.
11:15 Bored and still awake so I make a green tea.
Friday, 5/6/11 – Day 3
1 Lemon water
1 Green ginger tea
9:50 Chlorophyll shot. It’s really not that bad. I almost like it.
10:10 Ginger lemonade is delicious. Must remember not to gulp.
11:35 I think someone has stolen one of my juices and I go on a rampage. Turns out someone moved it because the fridge wasn’t closing. Whoops! Is this the first sign of juice addiction?
11:40 The dreaded spinach drink goes down the hatch.
12:40 Uh oh. Stomach is gurgling…
1:33 On to the master tonic. Stomach is insane.
5:00 There are cupcakes. I stuff a coworkers remains in my mouth and contemplate snagging another.
5:01 Cucumber, Parsley, Spinach, Romaine and Celery. Wasn’t I tortured enough with spinach juice today??? God it’s gross.
8:00 I’m peer pressured into going to a bar. It’s Friday. And all I want is a drink. I start with the cucumber juice.
11:00 I end with a couple of beers and a cheeseburger.Let’s just say I had the burger at midnight so technically I’m no longer on the cleanse..Right?
Saturday Note: I find a street fair where they are selling Girl Scout cookies. I buy two boxes and go home happy.
One thought on “Juice Heads – Katie’s Food Diary”
I loved the part where you were so hungry you stuffed a coworkers remains in your mouth…..Does juice diet lead to cannibalism??? Good Stuff!!!